Episode 12: Relationality - Part 4

This is The Three Petals podcast hosted by Jim Trofatter. The Three Petals is dedicated to exploring the threefold journey of spiritual awakening, where awareness, embodiment, and mutuality intertwine to create a vibrant, transformative life and represents a new paradigm for enlighten living.

In each episode, we’ll delve into what it means to truly inhabit our human experience, while opening our hearts and minds to the infinite nature of consciousness. Whether you’re completely new to this path or have been on a spiritual journey for years, The Three Petals will offer insights, practices, and compassionate guidance to help you deepen your connection with yourself, others, and the world at large. The Three Petals: Where the Infinite meets the Intimate.

Part 1: Even More on Relationality

Betty wakes up and immediately reaches for her phone, checking her messages with a slight pang of anxiety. Did her partner text her good morning when they got to work? Did her best friend reply to her last message? When there’s no immediate notification, her mind begins spinning: “Did I do something wrong? Are they upset with me?” She re-reads their last conversation, scanning for any sign that she might have said the wrong thing. So many possible interpretations. As she gets ready for work, she feels a creeping sense of unease. She tells herself she’s overthinking, but the thoughts don’t go away. She considers sending a quick follow-up text “Just checking in! Hope you're having a good morning!” but hesitates, not wanting to seem needy. She spends the rest of her morning distracted, waiting for a response, her emotions subtly tethered to whether or not she receives reassurance from the people she cares about.

At work, Betty is productive, but her mind frequently drifts to her relationships with her co-workers. When her boss gives her neutral feedback on a project, she immediately interprets it as criticism, feeling a rush of insecurity: “Are they disappointed in me? Am I not good enough?” Throughout the day, she finds herself seeking validation, compliments from colleagues, extra reassurance from friends, or subtle cues that people like her. When her partner finally responds to her earlier text with a casual, “Hey, busy day, talk later!” Betty feels temporary relief but also a nagging sense of doubt. “Are they really busy, or are they avoiding me? Do they still care?” Later in the evening, she fights the urge to overanalyze or push for more attention, knowing from experience that her anxiety sometimes pushes people away. Even as she unwinds before bed, she feels emotionally on edge, caught between wanting connection and fearing abandonment.

Hello and welcome to The Three Petals, a podcast dedicated to exploring the synergy of three essential aspects of spiritual awakening: awareness, embodiment, and relationality. I’m your host Jim Trofatter and I’m glad you could join me today. In today’s episode we’re again diving into one of the most profound, and often most challenging, aspects of our human experience: relationality. This will be the last in this series dedicated specifically on Relationality for a while. Though aspects of Relationality will always be woven into each episode. I’ve done these four episodes to begin to show the enormity of the dynamics within this petal of the work. Today, we’ll be look at attachment styles, boundaries and sovereignty in relationship and shadow work in relationship.

Part 2: Attachment Styles and Relational Patterns

Our earliest experiences in relationships shape the way we connect with others for the rest of our lives. The way we were nurtured, comforted or emotionally attuned to as children lays the foundation for how we engage in intimacy, trust and vulnerability in adulthood. This is the essence of attachment theory, first developed by psychologists Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby, which explains how our childhood bonding experiences create internal working models of relationships. These patterns, often formed before we even have conscious memory, guide how we navigate closeness, conflict and emotional security in romantic relationships, friendships and even spiritual connections. While attachment styles are not fixed destinies, they can create deeply ingrained habits of seeking connection, fearing abandonment or avoiding intimacy altogether, habits that often repeat unconsciously unless we bring awareness to them. There are four main attachment styles that influence relational dynamics. These are Secure, Anxious-preoccupied, Dismissive-Avoidant and Fearful-Disorganized.

Secure attachment in an individual is characterized by a healthy balance of intimacy and independence, fostering stable, fulfilling relationships. Those with this style communicate openly, trust easily and regulate emotions well, resolving conflicts without excessive reassurance-seeking, manipulation or avoidance. They are neither overly clingy nor emotionally distant. They feel safe in both closeness and autonomy, valuing mutual support over dependency. Their strong self-worth and ability to maintain both emotional closeness and personal autonomy and emotional resilience, create relationships that are grounded, reliable and deeply nourishing, forming the foundation for healthy relational and spiritual growth.

The Anxious-preoccupied attachment style is characterized by a deep craving for connection, coupled with a persistent fear of abandonment or rejection. They often experience emotional highs and lows, feeling euphoric when they receive affection and validation but deeply distressed when they perceive distance or indifference. Because their sense of security is often externally dependent, they may overanalyze text messages, worry about their partner’s level of interest or feel anxious when they don’t receive immediate reassurance. This can lead to clinginess, excessive people-pleasing or emotional volatility, as they struggle to find stability in their relationships. At their core, those with anxious attachment fear being unloved or unworthy, which can cause them to attach quickly, idealize partners and tolerate unhealthy dynamics just to avoid being alone. While their deep sensitivity can foster passionate, intense connections, their self-doubt and insecurity often create cycles of emotional dependency. Healing anxious attachment involves developing self-worth, learning to self-soothe and cultivating relationships that provide consistent, healthy reassurance without reinforcing dependency.

Dismissive-Avoidant attachment is characterized by a deep discomfort with emotional closeness, leading individuals to prioritize independence over intimacy. Those with this attachment style often feel overwhelmed or suffocated when others seek deep emotional connection, causing them to withdraw, suppress their own needs or create distance in relationships. They may have learned early on that depending on others is unreliable or unsafe, leading them to build walls around their emotions and rely solely on themselves for security. They often appear self-sufficient, confident and detached, but beneath the surface, they may struggle with trust, vulnerability and emotional expression. This can result in pushing partners away when they get too close, downplaying their own emotional needs or abruptly ending relationships to maintain their sense of autonomy. In some cases, they may even seek out relationships but keep them superficial or emotionally limited to avoid the discomfort of deeper connection. While independence is a strength, healing avoidant attachment involves learning to embrace vulnerability, trust others with their emotions and recognize that true intimacy does not mean losing one’s autonomy, but rather enhancing it through mutual support and connection.

Fearful-Avoidant or Disorganized attachment is a complex and often painful pattern that combines both anxious and avoidant tendencies, creating an internal push-and-pull dynamic in relationships. Individuals with this attachment style deeply crave intimacy and connection but also fear and distrust it, leading them to oscillate between seeking closeness and pushing people away. This conflicting behavior often stems from early relational trauma, neglect or inconsistent caregiving, where the same person who provided love and care may have also caused distress, fear and unpredictability. As a result, disorganized individuals struggle with a deep inner conflict, they want love but fear vulnerability, they long for security but expect abandonment or harm. In relationships, this can manifest as intense emotional reactions, sudden withdrawal, difficulty trusting others or self-sabotaging behaviors. Their nervous system is often in a state of hypervigilance, making it hard to feel truly safe, even in healthy relationships. Healing from disorganized attachment requires deep self-awareness, trauma work and learning to develop a felt sense of safety within oneself and in relationships. Through therapy, mindfulness and secure connections, individuals can begin to trust intimacy without fearing it, gradually transforming their relationships into sources of genuine security rather than emotional turmoil.

These attachment styles don’t just impact romantic relationships, they influence friendships, workplace dynamics and even spiritual growth. Someone with an anxious attachment may seek constant reassurance from a spiritual teacher or community, fearing rejection or abandonment. An avoidantly attached person may struggle to fully engage in deep relational or spiritual work, preferring to keep distance rather than embracing vulnerability. Those with a secure attachment style tend to have an easier time trusting the spiritual process, forming healthy community bonds and engaging in mutual support. Healing attachment wounds is not just a psychological journey, it’s a profoundly spiritual one, requiring self-awareness, presence and a willingness to challenge old patterns. By recognizing our own attachment tendencies, we can learn to relate more consciously, break cycles of unconscious reactivity and step into relationships, not just with others, but with ourselves and the world, with greater freedom and authenticity.

Part 3: Sovereignty and Boundaries

Personal sovereignty means being the author and guardian of your own life, recognizing that you are responsible for your thoughts, emotions, decisions and boundaries. It is the ability to stand in your truth without being swayed by external pressures, guilt or the need for approval, while still remaining open to connection and growth. Sovereignty is not about isolation or dominance. Rather, it is about cultivating a deep sense of self-awareness, self-respect and self-trust so that your choices come from an inner sense of alignment rather than external validation. A sovereign person does not give away their power by over-functioning for others, seeking rescue or falling into patterns of co-dependency, instead, they take ownership of their needs, desires and actions while respecting the sovereignty of others. True sovereignty allows for deep and meaningful relationships, because it ensures that we show up whole, autonomous and responsible for our own well-being, rather than expecting others to fill our emotional gaps or define our sense of self.

One of the most essential yet challenging aspects of relational growth is learning how to set and maintain healthy boundaries, to remain sovereign, while still remaining open, connected and engaged with others. Many of us have been conditioned to believe that boundaries are harsh, selfish or unkind, but in reality, they are the foundation of self-respect, emotional balance and authentic relationships. Without boundaries, we either lose ourselves in relationships, sacrificing our needs to maintain harmony or we shut people out entirely, fearing enmeshment or emotional overwhelm.

Boundaries first emerge in early childhood when a toddler begins to assert their independence by saying “No” to an authority figure, often a parent or caregiver. This is a crucial developmental milestone, as it marks the child’s first experience of selfhood, autonomy and the ability to differentiate their desires from external expectations. However, in many societies, this natural assertion of personal boundaries is met with disapproval, punishment or dismissal, as adults often view it as defiance rather than a necessary step in personal psychological development. Instead of being guided to understand healthy self-expression and mutual respect, many children learn that setting boundaries leads to disconnection, shame or rejection. Over time, they may internalize the belief that their needs are secondary, that saying “No” is dangerous or that compliance is the only way to receive love and acceptance. This early conditioning can lead to people-pleasing, difficulty asserting personal limits or struggles with self-advocacy in adulthood, as the foundational message becomes: Your boundaries are inconvenient and expressing them has consequences. A healthier approach would be to validate the child’s need for autonomy while also teaching them how to set limits in a way that honors both their needs and the needs of others, fostering both self-respect and relational awareness.

Part 4: Types of Boundaries 

Boundaries exist on multiple levels such as emotional, energic and physical. Emotional Boundaries involve being able to differentiate your emotions from someone else’s, knowing that you are not responsible for fixing or managing another person’s feelings. A person may lose their emotional boundaries for many reasons, often stemming from early conditioning, trauma or relational dynamics that discouraged self-advocacy. If someone grows up in an environment where their emotions were dismissed, punished or constantly overridden by the needs of others, they may learn to prioritize external validation over their own inner experience. Over time, this leads to a pattern of absorbing others’ emotions, saying “Yes” when they mean “No,” and feeling responsible for other people’s happiness or well-being. People in co-dependent relationships or those with anxious attachment styles often struggle with blurred emotional boundaries, believing that love means taking on others’ struggles as their own. Additionally, individuals with people-pleasing tendencies may find it difficult to assert their needs, fearing rejection, conflict or disappointing others. Without clear emotional boundaries, a person can feel drained, resentful or lost in relationships, as their sense of self becomes enmeshed with the emotions and expectations of those around them. Reclaiming emotional boundaries requires self-awareness, inner validation and the willingness to tolerate discomfort when asserting one’s needs and limits.

Energetic Boundaries relate to how much of other people’s energy and emotional intensity you take on. If you frequently feel drained, overwhelmed or emotionally impacted by others' moods, you may need to strengthen your energetic boundaries by learning to protect your space without shutting down your heart. A person may lose their energetic boundaries when they are unconsciously absorbing the emotions, stress or expectations of others, often without realizing it. This can happen due to high sensitivity, early conditioning or a lack of awareness around personal energy management. Empaths, healers or those in caregiving roles are particularly vulnerable to taking on the emotional and energetic burdens of others, mistaking this absorption for compassion or connection. If someone grew up in an environment where they were constantly attuned to others’ moods, perhaps to keep the peace, avoid conflict or gain approval, they may have learned to override their own energetic needs in favor of accommodating external emotional climates. Additionally, unresolved trauma or chronic stress can weaken energetic boundaries, making it easier to feel drained, overwhelmed or emotionally hijacked by the energy of people around them. Without strong energetic boundaries, a person may feel exhausted in social settings, overly responsible for fixing others or struggle to distinguish their own emotions from those they are absorbing. Rebuilding energetic boundaries requires grounding practices, self-awareness and intentional energy protection techniques, such as visualization, breathwork or simply giving oneself permission to disengage from external emotional noise.

Physical Boundaries include personal space, touch and bodily autonomy. Some people are comfortable with close physical affection, while others require more space and intentionality around physical contact. Being able to express what feels safe and comfortable for you is an important part of relational sovereignty. A person may lose their physical boundaries when they have been conditioned to ignore, override or suppress their own sense of bodily autonomy and comfort. This often begins in childhood, when physical affection, such as hugs, kisses or being touched, is expected or demanded without considering the child’s personal comfort or consent. If a person grows up believing that they must tolerate unwanted touch to be polite, to avoid conflict or receive approval, they may struggle in adulthood to assert their physical boundaries in relationships, workplaces or social situations. Additionally, individuals who have experienced physical trauma, abuse or coercion may develop a dissociative response to their own body, feeling disconnected from their right to say "No" or to control what happens to them physically. In some cases, chronic people-pleasing or fear of rejection can lead someone to tolerate physical closeness that feels uncomfortable, just to maintain social harmony. Over time, this erosion of physical boundaries can result in feeling unsafe, disrespected or disconnected from one’s own bodily signals. Rebuilding healthy physical boundaries involves reconnecting with bodily awareness, learning to recognize personal comfort levels and feeling empowered to assert one’s right to space, consent and autonomy without fear or guilt.

Physical boundaries can be lost as early as 0 to 12 months of age depending on how accommodating or neglectful the caregiver is to the child’s primary needs of affection, food and comfort. Energetic boundaries can be lost starting about 1 to 2-years of age. This is a time when toddlers are extremely open and sensitive to the environment and the emotional tension, stress and unpredictability of their caregivers. Emotional boundaries can get lost begin as early as 2 to 5-years of age depending on the caregiver’s response to the child’s emotional expression and assertion of independence. As adults, we can recognize that anger actually arises when someone has violated one of our boundaries. The anger fuels our power center with the result that we can stand in our sovereignty and say “No” to the violations or if we have to defend ourselves from the one violating us. If we don’t feel we have the right to say “No” to the violation to our boundaries we might begin to sense hopelessness and helplessness.

A lack of healthy boundaries often leads to co-dependency, where one person feels responsible for another’s happiness, emotions or decisions. In co-dependent relationships, people over-function for each other, believing that love means rescuing, fixing or constantly prioritizing the other person's needs over their own. This leads to burnout, resentment and loss of personal identity, as relationships become imbalanced and emotionally enmeshed.

A healthy relationship doesn’t mean merging with others or constantly adjusting to their needs, it means knowing where you end and they begin while still creating a space of mutual understanding and support. Interdependence is the ability to be deeply connected while still maintaining personal autonomy. In an interdependent relationship, both people can express their needs, set boundaries, hold space and support one another, without sacrificing their own well-being or expecting the other person to complete them. The shift from co-dependency to interdependence allows relationships to flourish without emotional exhaustion or sacrifice. When we operate from a place of sovereignty, we give and receive from a place of abundance, not obligation.

Unfortunately, many people struggle with holding space for others. They move through the world with a kind of emotional and energetic thin skin, absorbing the moods, tensions and unspoken dynamics of everyone around them. While this heightened sensitivity can be a gift, allowing for deep empathy, intuition and attunement, it often comes with a cost: overwhelm, chronic fatigue, emotional confusion and even physical symptoms like headaches or anxiety. These individuals can feel like emotional sponges, soaking in energies that aren’t theirs and struggling with that ability that seems so natural in healthy relations, the ability to discern where they end and others begin. To find balance, it’s essential to develop what might be called a “thicker skin”, not as a defense that shuts out connection, but as a healthy energetic boundary that filters what comes in. This includes learning to ground, strengthen the core self, and create internal spaciousness, so that one can remain open and compassionate without being flooded. Cultivating this kind of energetic sovereignty allows the highly sensitive person to stay connected without becoming consumed, embodying both presence and protection.

Holding space means offering presence, empathy and support, but it does not mean taking responsibility for fixing, rescuing or controlling the other person’s experience. It’s about being available without over-functioning, compassionate without self-abandoning. To hold space while maintaining sovereignty, practice: Listening deeply without immediately offering solutions or advice. Not taking on emotions that aren’t yours. Ask yourself: Is this mine to carry? Checking in with your own needs and limits before overextending yourself. Honor your right to say “No”, step back,or create space when needed. Recognize that true support empowers, rather than enables. By learning to set clear boundaries, embrace interdependence and hold space with self-awareness, we create relationships that are balanced, fulfilling and deeply nourishing, where connection is rooted in mutual respect rather than obligation.

Part 5: Shadow Work in Relationship

Many people feel that the spiritual journey needs to be walked alone. There is some justification in that it does feel lonely at times. If those we associated with on a daily basis are not walking the path with us, there comes a time where our development isolates us from those around us. This is not because we are better than they are, but because the resolution of contracted beliefs and somatic structures increases the overall energy levels of our body-mind. This freed energy has the potential of propelling us into new stages of human development. Each stage has a lexicon of different understandings, priorities and beliefs than the previous stages and many people in earlier stages will have difficulty relating to the stage that you may be in at this time. This creates a sense of disconnect with your closest associates since they cannot understand your new priorities or beliefs no matter how hard you try to explain it to them. This creates a sense of loneliness on the path which unfortunately has less and less people at each succeeding level that you develop through. I will talk more about this in future episodes.

For now, recognize that relationships are still one of the most powerful mirrors for self-discovery, not just in their joyful, loving moments, but especially in their challenges, conflicts and emotional triggers. The unconscious parts of ourselves, our shadow aspects, as Carl Jung called them, often reveal themselves most clearly in relationships. These are the parts of us that we have disowned, repressed or refused to acknowledge, yet they still influence our behavior, reactions and relational patterns. For example, when we experience jealousy, insecurity, resentment or control dynamics, we are not just reacting to the external situation, we are facing a reflection of something deeper within ourselves. This will be explored in a few minutes in the next part. Shadow work in relationships invites us to use these moments not as proof that something is "wrong" with us or our partner, but as opportunities to uncover and integrate parts of ourselves that we’ve been unconscious of.

One of the most valuable aspects of shadow work is learning to recognize triggers as invitations for growth rather than something to avoid or suppress or to use as a foundation for blame. I’ve talked about triggers in a previous episode, but for now, a trigger is any strong emotional reaction, anger, fear, sadness or even deep attraction, that seems to be out of proportion to the present situation. In reality, triggers are echoes from the past, often linked to childhood wounds, unmet emotional needs or beliefs we absorbed early in life. For example, if you find yourself feeling abandoned when your partner doesn’t respond to a text right away, the real wound may not be about this specific moment, but about an earlier experience of rejection or neglect or abandonment from a parent or caregiver. On the other hand, if someone’s confidence irritates you, it may be reflecting a part of yourself that you have disowned or feel unworthy of embodying because feeling confident was punished as overtly self-centric or narcissistic when you were a child.

Triggers are typically associated with some level of early trauma and as research has shown trauma memories are not stored in long-term memory, but in a distinct form of short-term memory. So, when a trigger is activated, we fall into a short-term memory loop that seems like it is actually happening in the moment. Thus, my mom gets projected onto my wife and anything my wife says gets distorted through those sensory filters so it sounds like my mom talking to me. There are a number of consequences to falling into the trigger memory. One is I’m caught in a memory that feels like it’s happening in real time. Two, I am going to regress to the age at which the trauma memory was created. If I am now two-years-old as dictated by the memory, I am going to have the mindset of a child and not an adult, so don’t expect me to act rationally. Rationality won’t happen until I come back out of the trigger. The real work here is not getting pulled into the regressive memory before I’m completely immersed in it. It takes time to catch yourself from falling into it, so there can be a bit of time between when you recognize that you have a trigger and you can deal with it in real time without becoming immersed in it. Be patient. This is grueling work.

So, when you’re triggered, instead of blaming your partner, friend or loved one for "making you feel" a certain way, shadow work asks you to slow the process down and make loving space for yourself to face something that was too much for you to handle as a child. As an adult, the overwhelm of the trigger’s emotional load is tolerable but to us as children it was so overwhelming it felt like we were being annihilated. Once we’ve slowed it down, we can explore what part of us is being revealed in this reaction? We can ask “Is this situation touching an old wound or fear? Am I projecting my own disowned feelings onto someone else?” When we can shift from reactivity to curiosity, we can gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and interrupt patterns that may have been running our relationships unconsciously for years. And the nice result of this is that once the memory and associated energetic charged are examined and released, that particular trauma memory is then shuffled off to long-term memory and is no longer a trigger. The caveat is that the energetic-emotional charged must be viscerally felt in the body and not just looked at from the level of the mind. Otherwise, we’re still living from a dissociative state from the memory. The understanding needs to go from I have a part of myself that is dissociated with a particular charge to I have a particular charge in my system and I am now acknowledging and feeling it fully in my body.

Part 6: Jealousy, Insecurity and Control

Some of the most painful and disruptive relationship challenges, jealousy, insecurity and control, are often signs of unresolved shadow material. These emotions don’t just appear randomly. They are deeply embedded in our psyche as survival mechanisms shaped by biological, psychological and social factors. They arise as deep-seated fears of abandonment, rejection, inadequacy or loss of autonomy and can be closely associated with life in early tribal communities where we risked losing access to food, shelter and protection.

Jealousy often reveals deep-seated fears of inadequacy, the belief that we are not enough or the lingering wounds of past betrayals that have yet to heal. It surfaces when we feel threatened by the idea of being replaced, abandoned or compared unfavorably to someone else. At its core, jealousy is not truly about the actions of another person, it is a reflection of our own insecurities, unhealed wounds and unmet emotional needs. Instead of seeking to control another person’s behavior in an attempt to soothe our fears, the real work lies in confronting the deeper fear of loss, rejection or perceived unworthiness. By acknowledging and processing these fears rather than reacting from them, we can transform jealousy into an opportunity for self-inquiry and personal growth. When we shift our focus from external validation to cultivating self-worth and security within ourselves, jealousy loses its grip, allowing for healthier, more conscious and trusting relationships.

Insecurity is often rooted in early childhood experiences where love and approval were conditional, inconsistent or tied to performance, appearance or behavior. If a child grew up feeling that affection or validation had to be earned rather than freely given, they may develop an internal belief that they are only worthy when they meet certain expectations. This can lead to a deep-seated fear of rejection or abandonment, making them hyperaware of how they are perceived in relationships. If left unchecked, insecurity can manifest in self-sabotaging behaviors, such as seeking constant reassurance, overanalyzing interactions or testing partners to gauge their commitment. Many insecure individuals experience emotional highs and lows, feeling elated when they receive validation but deeply distressed when they perceive distance or disinterest, even if it’s not intentional. Over time, insecurity can create a cycle of doubt, neediness and relational stress, where one’s sense of self-worth becomes dependent on how others respond rather than being internally cultivated. Healing insecurity requires building self-trust, recognizing one’s inherent worth and learning to provide the validation and reassurance internally rather than seeking it externally.

Control dynamics emerge when we fear vulnerability, chaos or uncertainty in relationships, leading us to try to manage situations, people or emotions to create a false sense of security. Often, this need for control is rooted in early childhood experiences where unpredictability, neglect or emotional instability made the child feel unsafe or powerless. If a child grew up in an environment where caregivers were inconsistent, emotionally unavailable or even volatile, they may have learned that controlling their surroundings or suppressing their own needs, was the only way to maintain stability and avoid pain. As adults, this can manifest in relationships as micromanaging partners, struggling to trust others, needing excessive reassurance or having rigid expectations about how things "should" be. While control may provide temporary relief from anxiety, it often leads to tension, power struggles and emotional exhaustion, as true intimacy requires a willingness to embrace the unknown. Healing control tendencies involves developing a deeper sense of self-trust, learning to tolerate discomfort and understanding that genuine security comes not from control, but from resilience, flexibility and emotional presence.

Rather than judging these highly volatile emotions or trying to suppress them, shadow work teaches us to sit with them, trace them to their origins and reclaim the parts of ourselves that have been wounded. When we do this, jealousy transforms into self-assurance, insecurity into inner trust and control into healthy boundaries and surrender.

Healing relationship wounds through shadow work is not about getting rid of uncomfortable emotions, it’s about integrating them. This means learning to acknowledge our shadow aspects without shame. Take ownership of our reactions instead of blaming others. Cultivate self-compassion, knowing that these wounds were formed as part of our survival. Communicate with honesty, expressing our fears and insecurities with vulnerability rather than manipulation. When both people in a relationship commit to doing their own shadow work, the relationship becomes a sacred space for transformation rather than a battlefield for unconscious wounds playing out. It becomes a place where both individuals can grow in self-awareness, deepen their connection and move beyond old cycles of fear, projection and self-protection.

In the end, relationships don’t just expose our wounds, they offer the most profound opportunity to heal them. Shadow work isn’t easy, but for those willing to engage with it, it opens the door to relationships that are more conscious, fulfilling and truly aligned with who we are meant to be. This is the crux of the work of relationality. Our wounds are created in relationship and must be healed in relationship.

Part 7: Meditation

Let’s take a few minutes to practice together. Don’t do this if you’re driving or working dangerous machinery. First, find a comfortable position. Let your body settle in your chair or on ground as if you have roots that extend down into the Earth. Close your eyes if you feel safe to do so otherwise keep your eyes open. Begin by taking a few deep breaths, in through your nose and out through your mouth. Allow the exhales to be just a little bit longer than the inhales…And allow each inhale to deepen your internal contact with yourself…Now think of a pleasant situation…A walk on the beach…In a forest...Relaxing in your favorite chair…Really settle into the experience…Use every sense…How does your body feel?...Is there warmth?...Relaxation?...Peace?...Completely immerse yourself in all the sensations that are arising…This is a resource your body can use to recenter itself whenever you get pulled out of your center...Now focus on a recent conflict with someone…Notice the change in your body…Did you get pulled out of your center?...Do you feel any form of reactivity?...Try to be with those feelings and use the resource of the pleasant situation to hold that reactivity?...As you experience the person you are in conflict with, notice if they remind you of any situations from earlier in your life?...A parent or caregiver who acted similarly…As you make that connection with the individual in the past and this person you are having the conflict with, see if you can create some distance from them…Perhaps place them at a safe distance in front of you…Is it possible to see them as they truly are and not the past individual overlaid on them?…Separate the past and present individuals and place them independent of each other in front of you…Is it possible to stop the conflation of the two individuals, past and present?...Now begin to disentangle your emotions, energy and physicality from the individuals involved…Take back your energy and feel it moving again in your body…This is how we begin to take back our power…one incident, one individual at a time…Now sit with your body for a few moments…and think of the pleasant situation…When you’re ready, take three conscious deep breaths and gently open your eyes maintaining that intimate contact with your body.

Part 8: Closing Thoughts

Relationships are one of the most powerful arenas for self-discovery, healing and growth, but only when we bring awareness to the unconscious patterns that shape them. In this episode, we explored how attachment styles influence the way we connect, how sovereignty and boundaries create the foundation for healthy relationships and how shadow work helps us recognize and integrate the hidden aspects of ourselves that show up in conflict, insecurity and control dynamics. The more we understand these relational forces, the more we can step out of reactive cycles and into conscious, empowered connections that foster both intimacy and individuality. True relational awakening is not about perfecting ourselves or eliminating challenges, it’s about developing the capacity to hold both self-awareness and deep connection, without losing ourselves or trying to control others. As you move forward, notice how and where your attachments, boundaries and shadows show up in your relationships, not as obstacles, but as invitations to grow, heal and create the kind of connections that are rooted in both love and self-sovereignty.

I’ve spent four episodes on Relationality and have barely scratched the surface of this intriguing aspect of the three petals. I hope you’ve gained an appreciation of the scope that relational dynamics plays in our lives and how you can explore yourself and others.

Thank you for joining me today. If any this resonates with you, I encourage you to subscribe, share this podcast, and leave a review. Until next time, remember: awakening isn’t something you achieve. It’s something you allow.

 Thank you for listening to this episode of The Three Petals. To learn more about Jim Trofatter or this podcast and associated blog go to thethreepetals.online where the words the, three and petals are one continuous string of letters. Contact information is on the website.

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This episode of the Three Petals was developed in conjunction with OpenAI’s ChatGPT.

This is Jim Trofatter and I hope to see you next time on The Three Petals: Where the Infinite Meets the Intimate.