Episode 11: Relationality – Part 3

This is The Three Petals podcast hosted by Jim Trofatter. The Three Petals is dedicated to exploring the threefold journey of spiritual awakening, where awareness, embodiment, and mutuality intertwine to create a vibrant, transformative life and represents a new paradigm for enlighten living.

In each episode, we’ll delve into what it means to truly inhabit our human experience, while opening our hearts and minds to the infinite nature of consciousness. Whether you’re completely new to this path or have been on a spiritual journey for years, The Three Petals will offer insights, practices, and compassionate guidance to help you deepen your connection with yourself, others, and the world at large. The Three Petals: Where the Infinite meets the Intimate.

Part 1: More on Relationships

Jackie has always considered herself a peacekeeper. Growing up in a household where arguments often ended in silent treatment or explosive outbursts, she learned that conflict was dangerous, something to be avoided at all costs. As an adult, this belief has shaped her relationships in ways she barely noticed. When her partner made a hurtful remark, she swallowed her feelings instead of addressing them. When a friend repeatedly canceled plans, she told herself it didn’t bother her, even though she felt a quiet resentment building inside. At work, she took on extra tasks rather than setting boundaries, afraid that saying “No” would make her seem difficult or uncooperative. Jackie prided herself on being easygoing and exceptionally patient, but beneath the surface, she was exhausted, frustrated, seething and deeply disconnected from her own needs.

It wasn’t until a long-time friend suddenly stopped speaking to her that Jackie realized conflict avoidance had consequences. She had assumed that not expressing her needs or concerns kept the peace, but in reality, her unspoken frustrations had leaked out in passive-aggressive comments, withdrawn energy and subtle avoidance of those who upset her. Her relationships weren’t actually peaceful, they were fragile, built on unspoken tensions and suppressed emotions. She had spent years trying to sidestep discomfort, only to realize that real connection requires honesty, discomfort and the courage to have difficult conversations. The question remained: Could she learn to face conflict with awareness and presence, rather than fear, avoidance or violence?

Hello and welcome to The Three Petals, a podcast dedicated to exploring the synergy of three essential aspects of spiritual awakening: awareness, embodiment, and relationality. I’m your host Jim Trofatter and I’m glad you could join me today. In today’s episode we’re again diving into one of the most profound, and often most challenging, aspects of our human experience: relationality. Today, we’ll be looking at triggers, the drama triangle, the empowerment dynamic, conflict-avoidance styles and touch on non-violent communication.

Part 2: Psychological Triggers – The Unseen Landmines of Relationality

In any relationship, whether romantic, platonic, familial or professional, there are moments when we find ourselves suddenly overwhelmed with emotion, reacting with anger, fear, sadness or defensiveness in ways that feel disproportionate to the situation. These moments are often the result of psychological triggers, which are unconscious activations of past emotional wounds, traumas, or unmet needs that get ignited by present-day interactions. Triggers act like invisible landmines, lying dormant beneath the surface of our psyche until an interaction, a tone of voice, a specific phrase or even a facial expression sets them off, leading to intense emotional responses that can disrupt our ability to communicate clearly, stay grounded and remain present in the relationship.

Psychological triggers are deeply personal and unique to each individual, often rooted in early childhood experiences, past relationships or unresolved traumas. For me, they can be understood as childhood defense mechanisms that were originally designed to keep us safe but now often push others away. As children, we didn’t have the emotional regulation skills, cognitive development or independence to fully process painful experiences, so we adapted in whatever way we could to minimize or numb emotional pain and maintain a sense of security. For example, if a child grew up being criticized on a regular basis, they might have learned to shut down emotionally to avoid further judgment. However, if they experienced abandonment, they may have developed hyper-vigilance in relationships, constantly scanning for signs that someone is pulling away. These adaptive responses made sense in childhood, they were survival strategies to cope with a world that felt unpredictable or unsafe. However, as adults, these same defense mechanisms become automatic, unconscious reactions that prevent us from experiencing real intimacy, trust, and connection.

A sharp tone from a partner, a delayed text from a friend or constructive feedback from a boss can feel like a personal attack or an impending rejection, triggering an instinct to push them away before they can hurt us first. When we are triggered, we aren’t reacting to the present moment as it truly is. We are reacting to a past threat that feels like it’s happening again. The body and mind, still wired for survival, activate the same fight-or-flight defenses we once relied on by lashing out, withdrawing, shutting down or people-pleasing, in an attempt to regain control and avoid perceived harm. In these moments, the rational mind takes a backseat, and these once-protective mechanisms now isolate us from the very relationships that could provide the safety, love and understanding we need to heal. Recognizing that these reactions are outdated survival strategies rather than objective truths is the first step in shifting from reactive protection to conscious engagement, allowing us to relate from a place of clarity, presence and emotional resilience rather than childhood fear.

Because psychological triggers are automatic and often unconscious, they can create confusion and conflict in relationships, especially if we or the people around us don’t recognize what’s happening. Without awareness, our projections can make genuine connection and communication difficult. However, when we learn to recognize our triggers, they can become powerful tools for self-awareness and healing. Instead of reacting blindly, we can pause and ask: What is this reaction really about? What past experience does this remind me of? How can I respond from the present rather than the past? By owning our triggers rather than projecting them, we bring more clarity, responsibility and emotional intelligence into our relationships, allowing for deeper trust, authenticity and mutual understanding. The deeper exploration of the architecture of triggers will be explored in a future episode.

Part 3: The Drama Triangle – The Trap of Unconscious Relational Patterns

In the last episode we talked about projection which attributes to someone else our unacknowledged internal psychological processes and beliefs. I blame the “other” for any angst I may have and I feel attacked by them. It’s as if I am holding up a mirror to my unconscious fears, longings or unintegrated aspects of myself and mistaking the reflection for reality.

Projection typically leads to victim mentality or consciousness which is a pervasive relational dynamic in human society at this time. “You are the cause of all my problems and you need to do something to remedy it.” Stephen Karpman has explored this relational dynamic in a model he calls the Drama Triangle. This triangle is a relational triad of destructive behavior that can occur amongst individuals in any conflict. It consists of a Persecutor, Bully or Tyrant who is perceived to attack the Victim. And of course, there needs to be someone who saves the Victim from the Bully, enter the Rescuer, Savior or Messiah. The three roles of this triangle are now in place. And remember these roles are deeply ingrained in our relational conditioning, we inherited them from our family dynamics, cultural narratives and personal wounding.

The Victim is not necessarily someone who is experiencing actual victimization in the moment, but rather someone who feels powerless, helpless or oppressed, having adopted the belief that they are unable to change their circumstances or take responsibility for their life. Karpman, who was influenced by acting and was a member of the Screen Actors Guild, intentionally called it the Drama Triangle rather than the Conflict Triangle because, in his view, the Victim is performing a role rather than being truly powerless. However, from the perspective of the Victim, their suffering feels entirely real, they genuinely experience hopelessness, shame and a sense of being stuck. The Victim often struggles with making decisions, solving problems or believing in their ability to create change, instead relying on a Rescuer to save them or a Persecutor to blame for their misfortune. The Victim’s stance is “Poor me!”, and their unconscious goal is often to receive attention, validation or care from others while avoiding responsibility for their own growth. The danger of staying in this role is that it reinforces a cycle of disempowerment, preventing the person from recognizing their inner strength, autonomy and ability to take meaningful action. Moving beyond the Victim role requires shifting from passivity to self-agency, recognizing that while life presents challenges, true empowerment comes from choosing how to respond rather than resigning oneself to helplessness.

Let me be clear here. There are millions of people in our world who, every single day, endure unimaginable suffering, oppression and violence. These individuals are subjected to brutal systems of pain by over-powering perpetrators who treat them as objects and consider less than human. They are entrenched in acts of war, abuse, displacement, exploitation and discrimination. These are not the people I am referring to when I speak of “victim consciousness”. The victim I am describing here is the person who has become so habituated to drama, chaos and powerlessness that it becomes a central organizing principle of their identity. This version of victimhood is often rooted in unprocessed emotional wounds and may manifest through constant blame, attention-seeking or manipulation, particularly in relationships, workplaces or community spaces. While these too deserves compassion, it is important to distinguish it from the real, ongoing victimization suffered by those who are systematically disempowered. The distinction matters, because conflating the two dilutes the gravity of true injustice and can prevent authentic healing in both domains.

To continue with the Drama Triangle, the Victim sees the Persecutor as playing the role of the aggressor, the critic or the authoritarian figure in a relational conflict. The Persecutor operates from a position of power and control, believing they are right, justified or superior, while the Victim is wrong, weak and incompetent. The Persecutor’s energy can manifest in overt aggression, blame, criticism, shaming and domination or in more subtler forms like passive-aggressiveness, sarcasm or withholding approval and affection. Deep down, the Persecutor often struggles with their own insecurities and fears of vulnerability, but rather than acknowledging them, they deflect these emotions outward by making others feel small, inadequate or at fault. The Persecutor needs someone to blame, the Victim, and thrives on maintaining a sense of superiority and emotional distance. However, this stance ultimately prevents true connection and intimacy, as their need for control keeps them from acknowledging their own wounds, fears and emotional needs. While they may believe they are “keeping order” or “holding people accountable”, their approach is often rigid, punishing and devoid of true empathy. From the point of view of the Victim, the Persecutor insists, "It's all your fault."

The Rescuer plays the role of the savior or fixer, constantly stepping in to solve problems, ease discomfort and take responsibility for others, often at the expense of their own needs. The Rescuer is a classic enabler, believing that their worth comes from helping, fixing or saving others, rather than allowing people to develop their own resilience and problem-solving abilities. Deep down, the Rescuer is often driven by unconscious guilt or a deep-seated need for validation, fearing that if they don’t intervene, support or protect others, they are selfish, unloving or abandoning those in need. However, despite their good intentions, their constant over-functioning has negative effects. It keeps the Victim dependent, reinforcing the belief that they are incapable of helping themselves, and it also prevents the Rescuer from addressing their own struggles and personal growth. Instead of focusing on their own emotional needs, challenges or desires, the Rescuer channels all their energy outward, often feeling burnt out, unappreciated or resentful when their help is either taken for granted or not reciprocated. The Rescuer’s classic line is “Let me help you.”

The way Karpman sees the scenario arising is that the Victim has the need to be a Victim and therefore initiates the situations in which that need can be fulfilled. The Persecutor unconsciously takes on the projection from the Victim and an initial conflict is initiated. The Victim needs to be rescued now and someone steps in to take on that projection. Karpman feels the triangle subconsciously fulfills psychological needs in all the participants and therefore its perpetuation is guaranteed. And has been seen many times, individuals can migrate around the points of the triangle or even generate additional triangles making the “drama” more complex. Thus, the Victim may initiate a counteraction against the Persecutor leading to an inversion of the roles. In the Drama Triangle, the initial actions of the participants are polarizing and become increasingly polarized as counteractions are taken. This leads to those playing the roles of victim, rescuer and persecutor to shift over time, thus increasing the level of polarization and the intensity of the conflict.

Karpman also claims that no one wins in the Drama Triangle. No one gets what they want and everyone fells drained. I disagree with that. I have found that someone in the Drama Triangle actually does win. Jerry Stocking, a spiritual teacher and Neurolinguistic Programmer, once said to a group of us attending one of his workshops that the real currency on this planet isn’t money, it’s attention, and I will add, also energy. Think about this, if at the end of a “drama” you feel drained, then someone else probably feels energized and could claim that they “won” the day, won the argument, they feel enlivened in some way. The winner is the one who gets the most attention and most energy from the interaction. The initiator felt drained in some way prior to the beginning of the “drama”, but now feels enlivened, at the expense of the others in the triangle.

So where is most of the focus of attention in the triangle? On the Victim. The Rescuer gives the Victim attention and energy to feel better and the Persecutor initially projects anger, accusations or energy at the Victim and then must make amends or atone to the Victim. This again focuses the attention and energy at the Victim. In our society, it pays to be the Victim. If you doubt this premise, think about all the lawsuits which are designed to obtain money in compensation for some mishap done to another human, the Victim. Compensation from other individuals, companies, employers, friends or random people who were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Our society thrives on litigation at this time. It’s a lucrative business for lawyers and for their clients.

The next time you find yourself in conflict, ask: “Which role am I playing?” And “What would it take for me to shift into awareness instead of reactivity?”

 Part 4: The Empowerment Triangle

If the Drama Triangle keeps us trapped in cycles of disempowerment, blame and unconscious relational patterns, then what’s the way out? The answer lies in shifting from reactive roles to empowered ways of engaging. Just as the Drama Triangle consists of Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer, there is a healthier, more conscious alternative known as The Empowerment Triangle developed by Acey Choy, and later expanded by David Emerald as The Empowerment Dynamic. In this model, each reactive role has an opposite, growth-oriented alternative that fosters self-responsibility, emotional intelligence and deeper relational integrity.

The Victim becomes the Creator, the Persecutor becomes the Challenger, and the Rescuer becomes the Coach or Compassionate Ally. These shifts move us out of unconscious patterns and into conscious engagement, allowing us to navigate relationships with greater awareness, accountability and empowerment. Let’s explore what these new roles look like in practice.

As has been stated in the Victim role, a person feels powerless, hopeless or stuck, believing that life is happening to them rather than recognizing their own ability to create change. The shift from Victim to Creator involves reframing one’s perspective, instead of seeing obstacles as insurmountable problems, the Creator sees them as opportunities for growth, learning and transformation, while also taking responsibility for their experiences without self-blame. They ask empowering questions like: “What can I do in this situation? What choices do I have?How can I respond in a way that aligns with my values and goals?” Rather than waiting for external rescue, the Creator leans into their inner resourcefulness, developing skills, seeking support in healthy ways and embracing challenges with a growth mindset.

Shifting from Victim to Creator is not about denying pain, dismissing struggles or forcing positivity, it’s about owning one’s inner power and choosing to engage with life consciously and intentionally. It is a radical act of self-liberation, recognizing that while challenges are inevitable, how we respond to them is always within our control. It requires lots of inner work involving releasing the beliefs in powerlessness, taking radical responsibility of what they can control in any given situation, healing emotional wounds and triggers, learning to focus on solutions rather than problems, developing deep inner trust and self-reliance and moving away from the “Poor Me” stance.

As discussed earlier, the Persecutor operates from control, blame and dominance, often using criticism, judgment or intimidation to maintain a sense of superiority or emotional distance. While they may see themselves as upholding order, enforcing discipline or exposing weakness in others, their approach creates fear, defensiveness and emotional shutdown in relationships. To shift into the Challenger role in the Empowerment Triangle, the Persecutor must engage in deep inner work, learning how to channel their strength in a way that empowers rather than diminishes others. This transformation is not about becoming passive or withholding firm boundaries, but rather learning to confront with wisdom, hold others accountable with compassion and lead with integrity rather than fear or control.

Shifting from the Persecutor to the Challenger also requires understanding one’s internal processes. The individual must be able to learn to recognize any fears beneath their need to control as well as any sense of powerlessness they may hold. They must learn to own their share of the responsibility in relational dynamics and be able to stop blaming others which can be used to avoid inner discomfort by projecting on others. They need to learn how to help inspire others to step into their power. They have to heal their need to dominate and intimate others to get their way and learn to recognize that true strength comes from presence and authenticity. They need to be able to set healthy boundaries balancing strength with emotional intelligence and using language that inspires and not belittles. And finally, they need to learn to give constructive feedback as opposed to critical analysis and judgment of others.

The Rescuer tends to take on responsibility for others, believing that they must "fix" problems or save people from their struggles. The shift from Rescuer to Coach means learning how to offer support without fostering dependency. The Coach is compassionate but does not enable helplessness, instead, they empower others to discover their own solutions and take responsibility for their choices. The Coach role honors the autonomy of others, recognizing that true help isn’t about doing for someone what they can do for themselves, but about helping them step into their own ability to navigate challenges. 

And of course, there is inner work the Rescuer must do to become the Coach. They need to address and heal their need to be needed and that love comes from helping others and putting other’s needs first. They need to be able to set and respect boundaries. That means saying “No” instead of “Yes” out of obligation to feel useful. They need to move from trying to fix others to empowering others, by guiding others to their own inner wisdom and solutions. They need to release their guilt that arises because they feel it their responsibility to save the other. They also need to be able to let the other fail, if that means that learning and growth can be experienced. They need to learn to focus on their own needs and growths and that is okay to focus on themselves, that that is not a selfish act. This transformation creates healthier relationships, prevents burnout and fosters true growth, both for the former Rescuer and for those they once felt compelled to save. In the end, the best gift a Rescuer can give is not doing for others but believing in their ability to do for themselves.

The way out of the Drama Triangle is to move into conscious relationality, where we step out of reactivity and into awareness, responsibility and mutuality. Shifting from Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer to Creator, Challenger and Coach is not about perfection, it’s about awareness. We all fall into the Drama Triangle at times, especially in moments of stress or emotional activation. But when we catch ourselves playing these roles, we can consciously choose to step into a more empowered way of relating. We can ask ourselves: “Where do I tend to fall into the Drama Triangle? Do I often feel like a Victim, Persecutor, or Rescuer? What small shifts can I make to move toward being a Creator, Challenger, or Coach? How would my relationships change if I interacted from a place of empowerment rather than unconscious reactivity?” When we shift from drama and disempowerment to empowerment, relationships become spaces of growth rather than cycles of blame and rescue. We develop the ability to engage with others from a place of conscious choice, creating healthier, more fulfilling and more authentic connections, both with ourselves and the world around us.

And remember group work is also where our deepest triggers emerge. Why? Because group dynamics reflect our personal wounds on a larger scale. The same struggles we have in one-on-one relationships, trust, control, vulnerability and hierarchy, show up in amplified form in groups. Spiritual groups, for example, can be incredibly nurturing or deeply dysfunctional, depending on how aware they are of power dynamics, hidden projections and unspoken expectations. The healthiest groups foster inclusivity, dialogue and accountability, while dysfunctional ones become echo chambers or guru-driven systems where individuality is suppressed. Groups serve as mirrors. They reveal where we struggle to belong, where we resist being seen, where we shrink ourselves or dominate others. If we approach group work with curiosity rather than defensiveness, it becomes a powerful laboratory for relational growth and awakening.

Part 5: Conflict Styles

We’ve now talked about projection, transference, triggers and drama triangles. All of this can cause conflict in some form or another. Conflict seems to be an inevitable part of relationships. How we respond to conflict can determine whether a conflict leads to growth and deeper understanding or results in frustration and disconnection. Conflict, when mishandled, can lead to rupture in relationships, creating emotional distance, mistrust and unresolved tension between individuals. A rupture occurs when a disagreement, misunderstanding or hurtful interaction damages the connection between two people, leaving one or both feeling unseen, unheard or emotionally unsafe. If conflict escalates into blame, defensiveness or avoidance, the rupture can deepen, making reconciliation harder. Unresolved ruptures often lead to resentment, emotional withdrawal and a breakdown in communication, where both parties feel stuck in their own perspectives without the ability to repair. Over time, repeated ruptures without resolution can erode the foundation of a relationship, causing people to shut down, disconnect or even walk away entirely. However, conflict itself is not inherently harmful, what determines the outcome is how it is approached and whether both individuals are willing to engage in repair. A rupture does not have to be permanent, but it requires honest reflection, open-hearted communication and a willingness to acknowledge pain and rebuild trust. So, let’s look at how we handle conflict.

According to the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument there are five primary conflict styles: Avoiding, Accommodating, Competing, Compromising and Collaborating. Each style has its strengths and weaknesses, and their impact on relational dynamics depends on the situation, emotional intelligence and level of self-awareness.

Avoiding is the "Let’s Not Talk About It" Approach. This conflict style is characterized by sidestepping, withdrawing or postponing a conflict rather than addressing it directly. People who use this style tend to distract, deflect or disengage when conflict arises, often believing that avoiding confrontation is better than facing discomfort. In relationships, avoidance can lead to long-term resentment, passive-aggressive behavior and unresolved tension. It can create a false sense of peace while underlying issues continue to fester. Avoiders may also struggle with emotional intimacy, as deeper issues are never fully explored. There are pros to using this conflict mode. Avoiding can be useful in situations where the conflict is minor, emotions are too heightened for productive discussion or when more time is needed for perspective. Sometimes avoiding or walking out a charged situation can prevent unnecessary escalation and give time for everyone to catch their breath and recenter. The downside is that chronic avoidance leads to unspoken frustrations, lack of resolution and a buildup of suppressed emotions that may explode later. In relationships, it can result in disconnection, distance and a lack of trust in communication. One trying to communicate with the avoider may feel like they’ve run into a brick wall and are frustrated with their inability to get resolution or at least their side objectively heard.

Accommodating is the "Whatever You Want" Approach. This conflict style is marked by putting others’ needs ahead of one’s own to maintain peace and harmony. Accommodators tend to prioritize relationships over personal needs, often agreeing, conceding or yielding to avoid tension. They are often seen as kind, flexible and easygoing, which can be beneficial for maintaining harmony in relationships. However, over time, this style can create imbalanced dynamics where one person habitually suppresses their own needs to keep others happy. The pros of this mode is that it is helpful when maintaining peace is more important than the issue itself, such as in low-stakes disagreements or when showing support for a partner’s preferences maintains equilibrium in the relationship. It fosters cooperation and goodwill. On the downside chronic accommodation leads to resentment, emotional burnout and an erosion of personal identity. Over time, the accommodating person may feel unheard, unappreciated or taken for granted, and the relationship can become one-sided. Their needs are never meet.

Competing is the "My Way or the Highway" Approach. This conflict style is characterized by a desire to win at all costs, often prioritizing personal needs, beliefs or outcomes over relational harmony. Competitors approach conflict as a zero-sum game, where one person’s gain is another’s loss. In relationships, this style can create power struggles, dominance and a lack of emotional safety. They tend to be assertive, direct and unafraid of confrontation, which can be valuable in situations requiring firm boundaries. However, if overused, it can result in intimidation, emotional distancing and lack of mutual respect. The pros of this mode are that it is beneficial in high-stakes situations where quick, decisive action is needed, such as setting firm boundaries, standing up against injustice or negotiating critical issues. It can instill confidence and clarity. The downsides are that in personal relationships, competing often leads to defensiveness, disconnection and lingering resentment. When both partners adopt a competitive stance, the relationship can become exhausting and combative, rather than collaborative and supportive.

Compromising is the "Let’s Meet in the Middle" Approach. This conflict style involves finding a middle ground where both parties give up something to reach an agreement. It balances assertiveness and cooperation, ensuring that both individuals’ needs are considered, even if not fully met. In relationships, compromising demonstrates a willingness to work together, making it a healthy, solution-oriented approach. However, overuse of compromise can lead to half-hearted solutions that don’t fully satisfy either party, causing lingering dissatisfaction. The pros of Compromising are that it is useful when both people’s needs and interests must be balanced, such as in partnerships, work negotiations or co-parenting. It prevents one-sided decision-making and fosters mutual respect. On the downside, if used as a quick fix, compromise can result in both parties feeling like they lost something, rather than reaching a truly satisfying resolution. Over-reliance on compromise may prevent deeper exploration of creative or optimal solutions that could have emerged through deeper collaboration.

Collaborating is the "Win-Win" Approach. This conflict style is considered the most constructive and integrative approach, as it seeks to fully address the needs and concerns of both parties through open communication and creative problem-solving. Rather than seeing conflict as a battle to win, collaborators view it as an opportunity for growth, understanding and shared solutions. In relationships, collaboration fosters trust, emotional safety and deeper intimacy. Both parties feel seen, heard and valued, which strengthens long-term connection. It requires time, patience and a willingness to truly listen, but the result is often solutions that fully satisfy both people. The pros in Collaboration are that they strengthen relationships, allow for deeper understanding and result in lasting, mutually satisfying solutions. It helps avoid resentment or lingering dissatisfaction, as both individuals feel fully invested in the outcome. On the downside, this style requires more time, effort and emotional energy, making it impractical for small, everyday disagreements. It also requires high emotional intelligence, strong communication skills and patience, which may not always be available in heated moments.

Just to let you know that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to conflict. Different situations require different conflict styles, and self-awareness is key to knowing when to use each one. If safety or time is a factor, Avoiding may be useful temporarily, but long-term avoidance harms relationships. If the issue is minor or a small concession strengthens the relationship, Accommodating can be a healthy choice. If urgent action is needed, such as defending a boundary, Competing may be necessary, but used too often, it can damage trust. If the goal is quick resolution where both parties make concessions, Compromising can be a fair solution. If deep mutual understanding is the priority, Collaborating is ideal, but it requires time and emotional investment. Understanding your own natural conflict style tendencies and learning to adapt based on the situation allows for more balanced, conscious, and effective relational dynamics.

Part 6: Nonviolent Communication

One of the most powerful tools for improving relational dynamics is Nonviolent Communication  or NVC, a communication framework developed by Marshall Rosenberg. At its core, NVC is about expressing ourselves honestly while also deeply listening to others with empathy. It helps us move beyond blame, criticism and defensiveness, which often escalate conflict, and instead encourages dialogue that fosters understanding, connection and resolution. NVC is particularly useful in relationships because it shifts the focus from reacting emotionally to communicating needs clearly, reducing unnecessary tension and misunderstandings. Rather than assuming ill intent, it invites us to recognize that beneath every conflict, frustration or disagreement lies an unmet need, ours or the other person's.

NVC consists of four key steps: Observation, Feelings, Needs and Requests. First, we observe what happened without judgment such as "When you left without telling me, I felt unsettled." Then, we identify our feelings about the situation"I felt anxious and hurt that you left without telling me." Next, we clarify our unmet need "I need a sense of security and communication in our interactions." Finally, we make a clear and actionable request "Next time, would it be possible to let me know before you leave?" This structure helps prevent emotional outbursts, passive-aggressiveness or defensive reactions, allowing for a conversation that is both emotionally honest and solution-oriented.

Let me make a critical note here about requests. In NVC, the distinction between a genuine actionable request and a disguised demand is crucial. A core NVC principle is that a true request allows the other person the freedom to say “No” without fear of retaliation, guilt-tripping or emotional manipulation. If we find ourselves becoming reactive, resentful or agitated when someone declines our request, it reveals that we were not, in fact, making a true request. We were issuing a demand cloaked in polite language. This reactivity exposes an underlying attachment to a specific outcome and an unwillingness to honor the other person’s autonomy. Such demands, even when subtly expressed, carry an implicit threat often emotional withdrawal, anger or disapproval, which can coerce compliance and create fear rather than connection. In this sense, it constitutes a form of violence, because it bypasses mutuality and consent, and instead seeks control. Recognizing this dynamic can be an essential turning point in deepening our commitment to compassion, honesty and relational integrity.

In relationships, whether romantic, familial or professional, NVC helps prevent misinterpretations and unnecessary conflict. Many relational struggles arise from assumptions, unspoken expectations and reactive emotional patterns. By using NVC, we can create a culture of openness and trust, where both parties feel safe to express their emotions and needs without fear of being attacked or dismissed. Instead of saying, "You never listen to me!", which puts the other person on the defensive, we can say, "I feel unheard when I'm interrupted, and I need to feel that my words matter. Could we both take turns speaking?" This small but crucial shift creates the space for a collaborative, rather than combative, conversation.

The beauty of NVC is that it doesn’t just help us avoid unnecessary conflict, it also strengthens emotional intimacy and mutual understanding. It allows us to see beyond our surface-level frustrations and tap into the deeper needs that drive our emotions. When both people in a relationship practice NVC, conflicts become opportunities for growth rather than battlegrounds, and even difficult conversations can lead to greater trust, connection and relational harmony.

A downside of NVC is that it in the beginning it can sound formulaic. First, I have to state what I observed, then how I actual feel about the event, then I need to tell you my needs, and then I have to make a request of you. Many times others will get frustrated with you and tell you not to use that NVC thing on them. It takes time to make the four points sound like normal language. They have to arise naturally or it will sound stilted and clinical. In addition, NVC can be used to manipulate or coerce others all in the name of “non-violent” communication.

Much more can be said about NVC. I am only introducing it here as a method of communication that can be immensely helpful in our relational interactions.

Part 7: Meditation

Let’s take a few minutes to practice together. Don’t do this if you’re driving or working dangerous machinery. First, find a comfortable position. Let your body settle into your chair or on the ground as if you have roots that extend down into the Earth. Close your eyes if you feel safe to do so otherwise keep your eyes open. Begin by taking a few deep breaths, in through your nose and out through your mouth. Allow the exhales to be just a little bit longer than the inhales. And allow each inhale to deepen your internal contact with yourself…Now, bring to mind a recent moment of conflict or emotional discomfort in a relationship. It could be a disagreement with a partner, a tense interaction with a friend or a moment when you felt triggered by someone’s words or actions. As you recall this moment, observe it with curiosity, not judgment…What emotions arise as you think about this situation?...Did you notice anger, frustration, sadness or defensiveness?...Where do you feel this in your body? Perhaps a tightening in your chest, a clenching in your stomach or a sense of heat rising? Simply acknowledge these feelings without trying to push them away or change them…Now, ask yourself: Did I respond from a place of awareness or reactivity? Was I acting as a Victim, Persecutor or Rescuer? Did I embody the Creator, Challenger or Coach? Be honest with yourself and don’t judge…This is just an opportunity to notice and learn. Now, take a deep breath in and if you had a reaction, as you exhale, imagine yourself stepping out of the reaction and into a place of greater presence and clarity…What might have been a different way to respond, perhaps one rooted in awareness rather than reaction?...How might you express your needs clearly without blame or criticism?...Can you see the other person not as an enemy, but as another human being with their own wounds, triggers and struggles?...Breathe in understanding… breathe out and release judgement… Breathe in self-compassion…breathe out and release self-criticism…Beathe in love…breathe out and release fear…Sit with your body for a few moments…When you’re ready, take three conscious deep breaths and gently open your eyes maintaining that intimate contact with your body.

Part 8: Closing Thoughts

Relational conflict is inevitable, but how we engage with it determines whether it deepens our connections or drives us further apart. Throughout this episode, we’ve explored the hidden forces that shape our interactions, emotional triggers, the Drama Triangle, and the unconscious roles we play in conflict. We’ve also looked at ways to shift into empowerment, communicate with clarity, and approach conflict with awareness rather than reactivity. The truth is, we don’t have to remain stuck in old patterns of blame, avoidance or control. By recognizing our triggers, stepping into conscious conflict styles, and practicing nonviolent communication, we can transform conflict into an opportunity for growth, healing and deeper understanding. As you move forward, consider where these patterns show up in your own life, and how you might engage with greater awareness, presence and compassion, both with yourself and others. Relationality is messy, but with the right tools and self-awareness, it can also be one of the most profound pathways to personal and collective transformation.

Thank you for joining me today. If any this resonates with you, I encourage you to subscribe, share this podcast, and leave a review. Until next time, remember: awakening isn’t something you achieve. It’s something you allow.

Thank you for listening to this episode of The Three Petals. To learn more about Jim Trofatter or this podcast and associated blog go to thethreepetals.online where the words the, three and petals are one continuous string of letters. Contact information is on the website.

The Three Petals Podcast is hosted by buzzsprout.com and the podcast and curated transcript can be found at thethreepetals.buzzsprout.com

To learn more about Trillium Awakening go to www.trilliumawakening.org.

Music was written by JK Productions and was obtained free of charge from www.Pond5.com, that’s www. Dot P-O-N-D, the number 5 dot com.

This episode of the Three Petals was developed in conjunction with OpenAI’s ChatGPT.

This is Jim Trofatter and I hope to see you next time on The Three Petals: Where the Infinite Meets the Intimate.